A Disease Called Self Doubt
Self pity is pathetic. I hate it, but I gather vast piles of it around me on occasion. The pity weighs heavy and crushes me into a very dark place that neither laughter or sunlight will drag me out of until something – it could be anything but I suspect it chemical- changes. Or is it chemical? Is it not just some little glitch, some deep seated worry or insecurity that cracks through the surface of who I am when I’m stressed? The only thing I can liken it to is a very severe bout of heart ache.
Thats another word I never really believed in until now. Stress. That was for sissies that didn’t know what it felt like to really make an effort, to pull their finger out. I am immune to such weaknesses….I thought. But now, over the last few days, I’ve noticed stuff to indicate otherwise. Waking up at strange times of the night with my brain apparently operating irrespective of whether I’m conscious or not. Dry Skin??? Flippin’ dandruff?? I never had that but now I notice flecks of skin falling when I scratch my head. Must drink more water, must sleep more. It will go away…..
A lot of you reading this may say ‘hey kid, you don’t know the half of it’ – well perhaps I don’t, I’m definitely lucky in that I’ve never had to worry about losing all my possessions, whether I’ll have food to eat tomorrow or a place to sleep. But worry is relative. The mind will worry as much as you give it space to I guess, whatever the problem. Right now that problem is my immediate future. I am carving a new furrow ahead of me, I am chasing my dreams, I am doing what Disney movies preach all the time, be who you want to be. I am trying, but ambition is a dangerous thing. It makes you greedy for inspiration and success. And Happiness. The bar is set high and for each and every step of the approach I think its too high for me to clear. I’ve cleared it before. I’ll clear it again – I say clenching my teeth – I hope.
This time around will be the real test. Anyone can luck out on one project, but the second one says a lot, suddenly there is something to lose. On top of that this next one – The Dom and Ernie Project – involves an elderly, sick man. Am I really putting this many obstacles between me and what I want to achieve? I suppose I am. Moments like now I ask why, but I already know the answer. The bigger the challenge, the more fruitful the reward, but more importantly in this case the more possibility I have of inspiring others. Without Ernie, this project would be nothing. Pointless. He is this story, he will be it’s success. So despite the fact that right now I feel like a paraplegic with a bad bout of asthma I’m going to try and carry on with the run up, and after that all there is to do is jump as high as I can……